How to Stay Sane in Germany

I'm not saying I'm sane. In fact, my (German) boyfriend says it's too late for me.

It's true: the outlook isn't very good some days. I can go wacko. The gray skies can get to a person, but that's not it so much. People keep to themselves; there aren't friendly faces in most places you go. Customer service doesn't include a smile, and at work, formality demands that we use each other's last name when speaking, even if we've known each other for a long time. My closest friends tell me how best to live my life, though I'm pretty sure I've been doing okay for almost 50 years. Saddest of all, I honestly can't remember the last time I had fun. 



Instead of losing it, there are ways to keep your sanity in Deutschland, or at least feel momentarily better and not so persecuted. I've made a list below.

• Silently give them the bird. If someone pisses you off, acts superior or bosses you around, just flip them the bird secretly, hiding it in your non-dominant hand, or when you are in your car driving away from their house. I do it all the time. Someone is rude to you at the grocery store? Curse them under your breath behind the wheel, because if you say something directly to them, they could take you to court. Make sure you're using the F word. This helps somehow. Speaking the F and K consonant sounds expel air from your lungs and help to relieve tension.
• Stay in touch with your family and friends back home, or wherever they are. Get a calling plan that costs you very few euros per month to make long distance calls. Use Skype. The hard part is that there is an 8-hour time difference between most of my family and friends and me, so I have to wait until they're awake to call or catch them late at night. Write to them on Facebook. Send e-mails and postcards. Write letters. Yes, it's mostly one-sided, but as a German friend told me once: they're not the ones that moved to Germany.
• Go back home! Or go somewhere. Travel, get out of Germany. This is mandatory. You don't have to stay at home. Europe gives you many travel options, with beautiful places close by.
• Find other Americans. There are expat groups in many cities, and they are probably going through some of the same things you're experiencing. One of my best friends here -- who recently moved back to the U.S. -- was a source of therapy and sanity in times of crisis. We worked together for about 15 months, and we went out for cocktails/beers on Friday afternoons once a month at least. That's when we could compare notes. We even promised we would write a book about living among the Germans. 
• Wait for your friends and family from America to come visit you. They will. This can be difficult, because when you're dying to flee, they have planned a trip to Germany. It's okay... hold out a little bit longer. 
• Bake. Or cook. Paint or write. I like to bake cookies and muffins on weekends and bring them to work with me on Monday. Some Germans don't like American-style sweets, because they say there is too much sugar. Ha ha! Add an extra half cup! Or just bake them with your normal American recipe. That'll show 'em! I have a co-worker who leaves the baked goods I make for her out overnight, as if letting them ripen or cure. No one said German behavior was easy to comprehend.
• Exercise. It is vital to your psychiatric survival. You have to get out there and walk in the woods for forest therapy or just go jogging or walking through your neighborhood. Get some of those ridiculous German alpine walking sticks (never thought I would, but I did) and use more muscles walking up a hill. Swim. Ride a bike. Have sex. Do yoga. 
• Be like a German and clean. Stay busy. Clean, clean, clean something. But don't ask a German if you're doing it right. You won't.
• Drink alcohol. Yes, it works. There are so many good beers and wines in Germany, it's almost a daily requirement! Get a cheapo 3-euro bottle of Spätburgunder and drink the whole thing in an hour. Don't worry if a German person tells you you're drunk. Refer back to the first tip and use it on them -- sofort.
• Find someone to talk to that has experience from abroad. I have several friends who have spent time in the USA, and they get me. I have another friend who grew up in Tenerife, though she is German. She is the most American non-American I know and wonderful to spend time with. Anyone who has left Germany for awhile will not act so much like a strictly-German German.
• Go to Bavaria. It seems like Bavarians are the friendliest Germans in Germany. I've met several who are simply more open and happy. And of course, they will toast you at Oktoberfest.
• Try to have fun. I don't know how you'll pull it off, but find fun people. Play a game. Drink excessively. Act stupid. Laugh. SMILE. 
• Be yourself. Don't try to change to be like a German, because that is very difficult and you might become hard and practical. I am the furthest thing from practical, or logical for that matter. I don't want to be hard-hearted. I want to be happy and lighthearted, even though I am viewed as kindisch in the eyes of my sternest German critics. F 'em.
• Get a grip. Be grateful for what you have and the experiences you are going through. Many people would die to be in your shoes. And some do. Don't act so spoiled, and learn to appreciate, for life in Germany is good. There are butchers with liverwurst right in your neighborhood and bakeries with Mohnschnecken at the grocery store. One cannot forget pretzels. And for God's sake, they're letting you drive on the Autobahn! That alone should be reason to stay sane, or go crazy in a different way...

If none of these tips work, try the first one again, repeatedly. Sometimes the small steps are the best, and they won't cost you a thing.


Wörterbuch/Dictionary

kindisch - childish, immature

Mohnschnecke - a cinnamon-roll-type pastry with poppy seeds

sofort - immediately