Germany and Soap

By no means am I an expert on anything that I write about, and German soap -- Seife -- is yet another thing over which I can only opine. And observe. And puzzle.

What leads me to this discussion on something so simple, so necessary, so helpful? Whelllllll... I scrubbed the kitchen floor one day. However, in the house where I live, there is an ever-reigning Saubernazi who is never satisfied with any cleaning I do -- or any cleaning anyone has ever done (besides himself). When I proudly stated I had cleaned the Küchenboden, he predictably asked what I had used on the floor.

"Soap and water," was my simple response. Mom did it. I do it, too, when necessary. It's what you do when you don't have other resources, such as a maid's cart or a bucket full of chemicals. For the tile floor in our house, I mixed just a little bit of organic, "natural," fine-smelling grapefruit dishwashing liquid (made in Germany!) with hot water in the kitchen sink.

Yes, soap and water: the most elemental of household cleaning supplies.

"Was?!?!" (pronounced "VOSSSSSS????!!!!") was the response I got. First of all, I had replied in English, so that didn't start things off so well, especially after I was already in trouble for cleaning something.

"Seife und Wasser," I replied a bit more mildly, knowing that the chord had already been struck.

Oh, boy. Here it comes.

"Was??!!??!!"

And the ranting and raving began. There was floor cleaner in the cabinets. Hadn't I looked? The Putzteufel began storming about the house, searching through cupboards,  trying to lure me into following him so he could show me, anxious to yank out a bottle of some high-powered, specialized German floor cleaner.

Seife und Wasser?

Ach, I had done it all wrong. The floor was now sticky (even though he hadn't even touched it). All kinds of floating stuff in the air would land there. It was now filthier than before I began, if you can believe that. Unholy. Tainted. Utterly ruined. The American had once again made the fatal mistake of doing some housework. Soap and water would never do. No, never.

Well, I'll tell you, I wasn't going back to do it again. The pressure he was exerting did not bother me in the very least. I was used to it. Besides, I had just cleaned that dang floor by hand on my knees -- twice -- with an old towel (in the absence of a mop, because for some reason we have NO mop and NO broom in the house). Wringing the towel out in the sink with my bare hands, getting in touch with the kitchen spillage and crumbs, seeing the results of my labor in the murky water... now that was satisfying. And not unlike Cinderella. Luckily for him and on my own accord, I even cleared some of the long-term dirt and grime out of the ribs of the kitchen radiator. In my opinion, the floor was so clean, so sparkling, so perfect, I would eat a little Würstchen off of it.

But soap and water is not good enough! Not in Germany. Here, cleaning -- like many things -- is so much more complicated.

So my excuse could be that I have trouble reading German labels. Herr Moffat had never taught us the words for different household cleaners in high school Deutsch. All I knew was the word "Seife."

A Putzteufel. Looks like mine!

Initially, my practical experience with German soaps took place when I moved into shared living quarters with another teacher upon arrival, named so because we were on the 2nd floor atop a kindergarten, not in a "real" apartment. The day I arrived, I had to move and remove desks and chairs made for little people and turn the former classroom into a place to sleep. My temporary roomie KK -- who also worked at the kindergarten -- and I shared our bathroom and kitchen with the teachers from the school down below, who would come up to make toast and coffee on weekdays. It was a pleasant arrangement, and the girls were very nice. We also shared the laundry room deep underground, in the Keller of the three-story Haus.

Ach mein Gott, where to begin?

It was there in that basement I first had to identify any kind of soap. But it wasn't so easy to spot. There were cleansers and fabric softeners, solvents and sanitizers -- many different clear plastic bottles on the rack close to the washing machine, filled with differently-colored liquids. Where would I start?

The labels were of no help, because the words were 3 to 5 syllables long. Voll-Waschmittel? Was ist das? I'd only just arrived in the country and couldn't understand any of it with my limited German vocabulary. I took a chance on a bottle of pink liquid, and my clothes smelled clean after -- maybe too clean. Had I used too much? Never mind the number of hours it took for the washing machine to do my load (German washers can go for hours!).

Later, when grocery shopping, I purchased a bottle of strong-smelling fabric softener -- Weichspüler. I didn't know what it was until afterward, when there was a sort of residue on the clothes, and they never seemed very clean. Well, at least they had gotten rinsed. 

I still didn't know what the word for laundry soap was. Did I bother to ask my roommate? Nah... I would have to be stupid if I couldn't figure out something so simple. It was easy, right? Not true. I still don't know all the words for soap that exist here in Germany.

Now that I think about it, I suppose it's no easier back home for a foreigner. Different words for soap in English aren't so simple either. We have dishwashing liquid, laundry detergent, fabric softener (those all happen to be 5 syllables long as well). Something so simple has become so complex.

One thing that may help -- something I just learned today: Seife is only for the body. "Normaleweise," Heinie says, in his all-knowing tone, "verwenden SEIFE für den Körper." That translates to "one normally uses SOAP for the body".

I guess that would explain why he panicked when I said I cleaned the kitchen floor with the stuff.


Wörterbuch/Dictionary

(cas) Deutsch - German
(das) Haus - building, house
(der) Keller - basement, cellar

(die) Seife - soap
(die) Flüssigseife - liquid soap (for hands)

(das) Geschirr - dishes
(das) Geschirrspülmittel - dishwashing liquid (soap)
(der) Spül-Balsam - dishwashing liquid (soap), but softer for the hands

(das)Waschmittel - laundry detergent (soap)
(die) Wäsche - clothing, laundry

(die) Putzteufel - cleaning fanatic

(der) Reiniger - cleaner

spülen - to rinse
waschen - to wash

Was?!?! -  What?!?!?
Was ist das?  - What is that?